11.10.2003
I'm not feeling very well thought out these days (this coming from someone who spends too much time thinking and not enough time doing). without being well thought out, you end up saying things off the top of your head, whatever comes to mind. you start spitting out things that you've heard other people say, things that you've read somewhere. and the thing is that you're just spitting it back out; you haven't even taken the time to chew it. you don't even know if you like how it tastes. moreover, the problem is that, as soon as it's out there, well, there's no denying that it came from your mouth. that mess. you just spit it on someone else's head.
hmm, that's not what I wanted to write about
...
a re-run of the episode of 8 simple rules for dating my teenage daughter where john ritter's character dies was on tv on saturday. I watched it. made me want to write something, but I wasn't sure what it was. my heart felt as if it was trying to punch a hole in my chest. not a comfortable feeling.
there has always been a degree of separation between me and death. it's always been a friend of a friend, or someone that I could say hi to but didn't really know. (as an aside, don't worry, nobody in my life passed away recently. just been thinking. thinking without coming up with many conclusions, though.)
lots of questions. what do you say to console someone? the more you talk about how great that person was, the more difficult it is to bear the fact that that person is gone. the more you talk about how it isn't their fault or whatever, the more they start thinking about what they should have done or should have said. you don't get a second chance once someone is gone. so why is it that we don't think about what we should do or should say until after it is too late? why do we never celebrate a person's life until they are dead?
what am I trying to say?
well, my life consists mostly of stuff that has just kind of happened. I haven't played a very active role in making my life happen. instead of being the director and lead actor of the movie of my life, I have been the cameraman. instead of creating and leading and directing, I watch and I listen. this is nothing new (and I don't just mean the analogy). this is no good.
it scares me to think that it takes someone passing (on a tv show!...didn't really think about it much when it happened in real life) for me to even think about making a change in my life.
somebody please smack me up side the head (single file, one at a time).
hmm, that's not what I wanted to write about
...
a re-run of the episode of 8 simple rules for dating my teenage daughter where john ritter's character dies was on tv on saturday. I watched it. made me want to write something, but I wasn't sure what it was. my heart felt as if it was trying to punch a hole in my chest. not a comfortable feeling.
there has always been a degree of separation between me and death. it's always been a friend of a friend, or someone that I could say hi to but didn't really know. (as an aside, don't worry, nobody in my life passed away recently. just been thinking. thinking without coming up with many conclusions, though.)
lots of questions. what do you say to console someone? the more you talk about how great that person was, the more difficult it is to bear the fact that that person is gone. the more you talk about how it isn't their fault or whatever, the more they start thinking about what they should have done or should have said. you don't get a second chance once someone is gone. so why is it that we don't think about what we should do or should say until after it is too late? why do we never celebrate a person's life until they are dead?
what am I trying to say?
well, my life consists mostly of stuff that has just kind of happened. I haven't played a very active role in making my life happen. instead of being the director and lead actor of the movie of my life, I have been the cameraman. instead of creating and leading and directing, I watch and I listen. this is nothing new (and I don't just mean the analogy). this is no good.
it scares me to think that it takes someone passing (on a tv show!...didn't really think about it much when it happened in real life) for me to even think about making a change in my life.
somebody please smack me up side the head (single file, one at a time).
